Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize