So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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