"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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