when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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