Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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