You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
