Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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