well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
