my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
