the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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