if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He better not be in your backpack
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
