You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
