Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
