i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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