Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
