He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
