i would punch a child for taco bell
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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