That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
