I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
