I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize