I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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