some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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