and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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