i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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