Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
