Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
