Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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