What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
