How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Randomize
