I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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