I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
