Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i've created a new STD.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
