Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
