the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
