I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
