Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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