True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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