only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
