i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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