This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
