I met the friendliest cop last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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