I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
