Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
