ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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