All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
