I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
