so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
