After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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