i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
