Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
