My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
