U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
