dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My penis needs a shock collar
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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