Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
