Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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