In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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