Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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